Miscellaneous funny, nice, happy, uplifting stuff.
- Thread starter HSanders
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Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.”
After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Bob. That bear was my cousin and you’ve got two choices- either I maul your to death or we have rough sex.”
Again, Bob thought it was better to co-operate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob.
Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder, He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, “Admit it, Bob, you don’t come here just for the hunting, do you?”
The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.”
After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Bob. That bear was my cousin and you’ve got two choices- either I maul your to death or we have rough sex.”
Again, Bob thought it was better to co-operate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob.
Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder, He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear looked at him and said, “Admit it, Bob, you don’t come here just for the hunting, do you?”
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OSUBuckeye
Well-known member
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air and then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after much trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, I'd say, our son-in-law
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after much trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, I'd say, our son-in-law
OSUBuckeye
Well-known member
A man walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm.
Bartender asks him "What's up with the octopus?"
He responds "$1000 says my octopus can play any instrument you put in front of it"
Bartender says "Alright, lets see it. Have it play the piano in the corner"
The guy puts the octopus on the piano and it plays it, beautifully.
People start bringing it other instruments, guitar, trumpet, accordion, it plays everything with ease.
Then someone places a set of bagpipes in front of it. It pokes around, turns it over, lifts up the drones, but doesn't play it.
The man leans in and says "Come on, play it! you're embarrassing me!"
The octopus looks up and says "Play it? I'm gonna fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get it's pajamas off!"
Bartender asks him "What's up with the octopus?"
He responds "$1000 says my octopus can play any instrument you put in front of it"
Bartender says "Alright, lets see it. Have it play the piano in the corner"
The guy puts the octopus on the piano and it plays it, beautifully.
People start bringing it other instruments, guitar, trumpet, accordion, it plays everything with ease.
Then someone places a set of bagpipes in front of it. It pokes around, turns it over, lifts up the drones, but doesn't play it.
The man leans in and says "Come on, play it! you're embarrassing me!"
The octopus looks up and says "Play it? I'm gonna fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get it's pajamas off!"
And the same to you, as well.
Q: Why do they call it PMS?
A: Because mad cow disease was already taken
A: Because mad cow disease was already taken
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the shit out of their dog.
A: It scares the shit out of their dog.
Q: What do you call it when you mix LSD and birth control?
A: A trip without the kids
A: A trip without the kids
Q: What do you call a guy with no shins?
A: Toe-Knee
A: Toe-Knee
