NFL Memes
- Thread starter Lord Guts
- Start date
Determined to make another Super Bowl run, the Kansas City Chiefs have hired former NFL and movie star O.J. Simpson as a personal consultant to quarterback Patrick Mahomes to help him “cut out the distractions” from his personal life that some believe are impacting his play.
“Patrick’s dealing with a lot right now,” said head coach Andy Reid. “We felt like we needed someone with experience navigating intense public scrutiny, off-field drama, and… complicated personal situations. O.J. checks every box. He was balancing football, acting, and family pressures decades before social media even existed. I tried helping Patrick myself, but honestly, I’m out of my depth. So I figured, hell, let the Juice take a stab at it.”
While Mahomes’ on-field stats have dipped this season, insiders point to possible off-field distractions. Like being roped into his little brother and wife’s choreographed TikTok dance offs during his training sessions. The Chiefs believe Simpson brings the kind of real-world expertise you just can’t get from analytics.
“It’s been… eye-opening,” said Mahomes. “The Juice has already taught me a lot, mostly about composure, silence, and wiping down surfaces. He checks in constantly. Always wants to know who’s at my house, where the blind spots in the security cameras are, how many sets of keys exist, and whether I’ve recently changed the locks ‘just to be safe.’ He even offered to ‘handle Jackson’ a few times. I think he meant, like, keep him out of trouble. Which is a lot to offer.”
Mahomes continued. “He double-checks my SUV’s gas tank and tire pressure every morning and says things like, ‘Always be ready to drive south. Real south. Fast.’ Honestly, the guy’s super thoughtful. Real attention to detail. He even brought me gloves that were clearly too small for the winter months and when I said so, he smiled and said, ‘Perfect.’”
Q: What did Roger Goodell get on his IQ test?
A: Saliva
A: Saliva
A reporter once asked Peyton Manning, "Peyton, what kept you going after such a serious neck injury?"
Peyton paused, then said, "You've met Eli, right? The guy who wears helmets off the field. The one with the special rubber pants."
"You might’ve heard that the Giants had to assign someone just to keep track of his favorite blanket during road games so he wouldn’t get fussy. The fact my dad had to chaperone his honeymoon and ended up living with him." Peyton added, rubbing his temples.
"Has he shown you his horse drawings? The ones that look like snakes? Or explained in excruciating detail how he envisions those horses as purple in his head before bringing them to life with crayons? We’ve got to keep an eye on him during those coloring sessions, or the toilet ends up all sorts of colors."
"Did you know Big Bird officiated his wedding? And everyone that attended had to pretend like it was a real 7-foot talking yellow bird, or else risk Eli getting upset and using his unusual strength to ruin the ceremony?"
"My brother is... well, you understand. I just couldn’t retire with fewer Super Bowls than him… I’ll leave it at that."
